Cruse Fables Vol.1 Welcome To Piney Point

So my Cruise Saga begins here at Piney Point, Maryland in a Merchant Mariners Training Facility on the Potomac.

Actually, allow me to back up further. My saga really began initially a few years ago when I had the desire to move onto a boat in Marina Del Rey, entertaining the fantasy of living like some burnt-out cop on the fringe of society, sort of like Mel Gibson's character from Lethal Weapon (even though he lived in a trailer, but whatever).


See! Just like me minus all the Jew hate.

So, fast forward to present day and my boat living dreams are realized as I've nabbed a spot bartending on an inter-island Hawaiian cruise (Less like Lethal Weapon and more like Tom Crusie in Cocktail).


See! Just like me minus all the Brooke Shields hate.

I'm not sure where this boat-living desire came from, but I think it derives from the many family vacations at Lake Shasta over the years.

Me as a young sailor.

So here I am in Maryland. It's a difficult adjustment, especially after having such an awesome send-off weekend in San Fracisco. I'll miss going to A's games, hanging out with my boys, and checking out the hot chicks that linger around Crogan's Bar and Grill in Bovus-Creek.
Don't believe me? See for yourself!



Smoldering!

So, back to Piney Point. What's it like here you ask? I'm attending orientation and department training. Sadly this takes about 3-4 weeks. The facility is decent, and the food is okay (except for Sloppy Joe night, huge mistake), and we even get screenings of 3rd run movies like The Lake House! Overall it's not too bad for a temporary training facility.

The only drawback is the people I'm training with. As my wise friend Eric put it, "You are among the lowest common denominator". I'm not an elitist or anything, and I try to give everyone a fair shake...but damn! This place has tested my level of tolerance. Allow me to provide an example...

I arrived late, 9 o'clock or so, after travelling all day, and I wanted nothing more than to got to bed. I got my key and found my room. I entered to find my room in shambles, clothes everywhere, t.v. showing a half-static telecast of SportsCenter, and George, a 50 year old Biker covered in prison tats standing in the middle of the room in his underwear screaming "I'll Kill you Mother-Fuckers!" to a group of guys collected on my balconey.
"Hi" I said.
George looked me over and pointed to the one available bunk remaining, underneath which was a little Phillapino man snoring. And when I say snoring, I mean to say depraved, wild animal-like war cries of slumber. I dropped my stuff on the bunk then went out to the balconey to see what the commotion was all about.
On the blaconey was my third roommate Randy, a flaboyant gay man, and a small colleciton of his buddies. I introduced myself and we made some pleasant small talk, then Randy intorduced me to his "friend" Richard.
"He spends the night from time to time", Randy said. I was too tired to process this at the moment, or maybe the thought of these two together was too horrible to imagine, so I disregarded the comment and headed inside.

As I crawled into bed one of the gay men from the balconey stuck his head in and said to me "can I come up there with you?". Dude. But I digress...

Anyway...I tried to get some shut eye. I faded in and out of sleep as the others got ready to go to bed (all except for the Phillapino guy, because God forbid he wake up from his night terrors and give us a moment of silence). Then somewhere, between moments of sleep, the room had become dark and silent, all except for the sounds of creaking springs and making out. I instantly got out of bed and flicked on the lights, averting my eyes as much as possible.
"Is there a problem?" asked Randy as he and his "friend" Richard scrambled to cover themselves.
"NO!" I exclaimed. It was the kind of "NO!" that one delivers to a puppy caught taking a dump on the living room carpet.
My physical reaction can best be displayed in the picture below, just imagine me with pajamas and bed-head.



So, once I quelled the gay passions of my roommate I finally slept, but little did I know there was a sweet surprise awaiting me in the morning. As I got out of my bunk I saw Randy and Richard spooning with each other, and unfortunately for me the covers had slid down and Richard's BLACK THONG UNDERWEAR was exposed. Now usually I wouldn't protest black thong underwear, but when it's being worn by a hairy fat man, something needs to be said. This was all very unexpected. I kept thinking to myself "Shasta was never like this!!!".

Now don't get me wrong, the freakshow is not contained exclusively to my room. Other interesting people in the Piney Point cast of characters includes "The young single mother who still refers to her daughter's age in months instead of years (she's currently 25 months)", "The middle easten guy who plays very aggresive ping-pong", "The chick who looks like Jessica Simpson with downsyndrome", and my personal favorite "Guy with disproportioned head". Oh, and lest I forget, the weirdest of them all, "The most ambiguous person EVER!!!!!" The mystery was finally revealed today when I saw it go into the ladies restroom. Case closed. There are many others here, but there's just not enough hours in the day to go into the lesser freaks like "The lady with painted-on eyebrows", and "Dumb chick who didn't know Hawaii was a state".

Not a great introduction to my career with NCL but I'm sure I'll warm up to the freak show. As they say in Hawaii:

"O Ke Aloha Kuleana O Kahi Malihini".
Love is the host in many starnge lands.