Cruise Fables Vol. 4 Daily Affirmations From NCLA

As I walked through the lobby of our training facility in beautiful Piney Point, located deep in Maryland's asshole, there was something posted on the bulletin board that caught my eye. The heading on the post read "Daily Affirmation", and it briefly chronicled all of Abraham Lincoln's failed attempts to run for political office. He ran for Congress, the Senate, and Vice President, and lost them all before he became immortalized on the penny as the greatest President EVER. At the bottom of the page were the inspiring words "Don't let failure hold you back. You can do it!"

I couldn't believe it! Lincoln experienced failure? WUUUUHHHHHH????? No way! He's just like me! I mean, I've expereinced failure too!!! Abe lost his race for the congress and the senate, and I lost to Lynn Morrish for High School treasurer Junior year! It's like we're kindred spirits, me and Lincoln. I wonder if he was a bed wetter also? I'll bet he was! The more I think about it, the similarities between us are plainly obvious. He has a beard, I had a goatee! He wears hats, I WEAR HATS! He freed slaves, I liberated some Funyuns from the opressive confines of the hallway vending machine!!! The parallels are there, I just never noticed before because I'm so stupid. Wow. Thank you NCLA, you brilliant dipshits, thank you!

I CAN DO IT NOW! I'M GOING TO BE AN ASTRONAUT AND GO INTO SPACE!!!