Countdown to official "Uncle" title being bestowed upon my sorry ass!

In the weeks to come a new member of the French family is going to come screaming into this world and with it I join the ranks of Uncles everywhere. I can't really elaborate much about my brother's offspring considering it doesn't have a name yet and nobody knows if it pees sitting or standing. But what we do know is it is a French, and with that it is bound to me by blood, for better or worse. So, allow me to muse a bit on potential Uncle-hood and the startling reality that my brother (who once tied me in a sleeping bag and dragged me down the stairs) has become someone's dad!

For starters, let me just say that I don't like children. I'm not a wicked old miser or anything, they just don't thrill me, regardless of how much they seem to like to talk to me. I get uncomfortable around kids because they spread disease and are very fragile, which means they can die easily. I read somwhere their skulls haven't even hardened completely when they are born, in fact that's how you get peanut heads. Not good! I break a lot of stuff, so it is my opinion I shouldn't be let near this new French until it's 12th year when it's skull has hardened and it's realtively unbreakable by me. But I don't have that luxury. I'm going to have to see it. Of course, this isn't just some kid, this is my neice/nephew, and I want to see it because I am Uncle and must embrace the new member of the tribe.

Now, as I consider this new title and my role in this child's life, I realize I am one of a handfull of Uncles this child is going to be exposed to, but I am the only French, THE ONLY ONE who bears the child's name, so it is important that I represent the family accordingly. Which begs the question "how will I rank" as an Uncle? I think I will be the "cautionary tale" Uncle. The one responsible for many accidents, mis-judments, family embarrassments, or general fuck-ups for this child to learn from.

"Cautionary tale" Uncle is a good title I think. The world is a strange and confusing place and in my 28 years on this Earth I have generated a wealth of knowledge that can help this child navigate some of of the pitfalls that await like a lion crouched in the tall grass stalking it's prey.
-Don't eat yellow snow
-If you don't want to lose your pinky don't play around doors.
-Never go on a date with a farting mortician.
-If you think you can cut your own hair you can't.
-Bears are not our friends.
-Don't believe the hype, "Howard The Duck" is a funny movie.
-"Seasonal Arborist Professional" still means "Christmas tree farm employee" on a resume.
-Uncle Mike was NOT a bedwetter until he was 15, your Dad is just saying that to make you feel better and because he used to tie me up in a sleeping bag and drag me down the stairs.

Yup, this is my new role. But I'm okay with it. I am. If all my stupid misteps and failures can somehow help this new French become a better person then all the scars were worth it. It makes me think of my own childhood and all the adults that impacted my life. I'm not just the product of my parents but of all of them. Good or bad, they all played a part. I look forward to playing my part. After all, my skull hardened for a reason.