Is CATS the world's most unnecessary musical? Why yes, indeed it is.

Down the street from my apartment is the Paramount theater. For the next week it is presenting the musical "Cats". I know this may be about 20 years too late, but "Cats" is shit. To be fair I have never seen "Cats", but I don't ever want to. From what I've gathered it's about feral alley cats and their struggles. There lies problem one: I have no sympathy for feral alley cats. Alley cats routinely peed on my friends motorcycle cover while they were in heat. They sit outside my apartment building making a damn racket with their high-pitched cat battles. The yowling is never-ending, I'm sure as hell not going to pay to go to a theater and see a bunch of douchebags in cat make-up sing about it for two hours.

That brings me to problem two: the performers. Just look at this freakshow!



Do you really care to see more? I don't. They don't look at all cat-like! They look like nightmarish clowns. I hate clowns about as much as I hate feral cats. The only good things feral cats do is kill vermin, and I doubt the show is about that.

It is advertised as the "Longest running show in Broadway History", or something. It is astonishing to me that there is an audience for cat theater. Maybe I'll make a musical called "Rats" and follow their joyous adventures of eating garbage and spreading disease!

My last problem with "Cats" is that it's about the lamest of the feline family. If they focused on some cool cats like, say, a Tiger, or a Puma, that would be awesome. Imagine if they did a musical about the Tiger that ate Roy from Sigfried and Roy. That would be sweet, and it would take place in Vegas so it would still have all the glamor to please the chicks and the gay men, and also the hardcore carnage that so many musicals need.

In short, "Cats" needs to end it's little revival down the street from me and be forgotten. When "Puma" the musical comes out then we'll have some thing to talk about.